I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
