You work out of a Hotel?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
