The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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