Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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