now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
