Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
