Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
