I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
