I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize