So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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