Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
