Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
