She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
