i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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