Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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