I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
