I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
