its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
youre lurking in front of me
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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