we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize