my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
