I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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