Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
