the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
