i think my tv is drunk
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Randomize
