Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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