So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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