no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
