just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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