Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
