My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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