god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize