4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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