i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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