Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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