So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
