For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
