On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
