Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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