its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
