You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
