my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
