They should really pass out barf bags in church
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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