I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
