I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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