the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
do herpes really smell.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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