I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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