I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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