did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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