mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
