haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
