Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
