I skipped work to stalk him.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
