Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'd cum for enchiladas.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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