I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize