Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
