The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
