Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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