Please, let me fuck your mom
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize