i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
