You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
