my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
