if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
