GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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