you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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