dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
