if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
