I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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