I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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