i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
