ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
