i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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