I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize