Cold hands, warm shart.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He felt like a one man threesome
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
