Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My vagina just recognized that song.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize